Take me deeper still...

Just when I think my heart is completely whole, God circles me around and brings me right back to my deepest point of pain and reveals an even deeper facet of surrender. Like pulling the scab off of a deep wound, I instantly recoil. A wave of emotion washes over me so intensely that it knocks my feet off of the path that I wish to travel upon. I get upset. I cry out in pain. I get angry. I become frustrated. I begin to question Him. I emotionally shut down. It always ends in a place of torment. That has been such a familiar cycle to me. It is a cycle that I detest. I know where the end of that path would take me because I have seen another travel down it. I refuse to follow that path. I refuse to make my children walk that path. Unless I allow God to do in my life what has never been done before me and break the cycle, that is the choice that I make. It is a treacherous cycle and it is only by the grace and power of God that it is being broken in my life. The choices I make and the way I respond to this pain determine the amount of time I must spend there. With each trip, the aftermath has become a little shorter and the pain a little less. I have clearly seen there is no gray area in life...there is no in-between. If I choose to believe that my choices don't really matter, I'm only deceiving myself. Every choice I make either takes me closer into the heart of God or farther away from it. I have seen that "the heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure...no one can understand it... it is only the Lord that can search a heart. " I have seen the reason God says "above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." I have seen the power of sin. I have seen the deceitfulness and danger of sin. I have seen the devastation and destruction of sin. I have seen how one wrong choice leads to another and then how the web is spun...how the heart can become hardened and eyes can become so blinded that the Truth can no longer even be seen. God would have to be God to be able to watch the very ones He created being consumed by its force. "The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." I have also seen the power of the risen Christ. I have seen the power of the Word of God. "The Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we saw His glory, glory as of the only begotten from the Father, full of grace and truth. " "But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in our sin-it is by grace that you have been saved." I have seen the power of Jesus to change a life when one turns to Him...the power to open eyes that were once blinded, soften hearts that were once hardened and exchange filthy rags for robes of righteousness. That is the power of the risen Christ and darkness has no other choice but to flee in His presence. Because of Jesus Christ "death has been swallowed up in victory" and the same Spirit and Power that raised Christ from the dead resides and flows from those who call upon His name.

There is always a choice to be made and my choice is to stand upon the Truth. My choice is to stand in spite of how circumstances make seem, my feelings may vacillate, and darkness may threaten to loom. I know the Truth is that God loves me so much He refuses to allow me to move on until every last recess of my heart is completely His and completely whole. He loves me enough to allow me to hurt. He loves me enough to patiently tend to every broken place I have. I so often just want a band-aid. He loves me enough to not give me what I want. He loves me just as I am....such a beautiful mess I must be to Him. Thank you Lord that You love me. You love me even when I doubt Your love. You love me even when I feel betrayed. You love me even when I am unfaithful to You. Your love is perfect. It is pure. It is deep. It is never ending. It is beyond anything I can fathom or comprehend. Pain is such an opportunity from You. It can either drive me deeper into Your heart or take me away from You. I never want to be where You are not. Thank You for holding and tending my heart in the gentleness of Your hands. Thank You for the mountains in my life that You have already moved right before my very eyes. I ask that You continue to create in me a pure heart. Father, I want a heart that is undivided. I desire a heart that is wholly and fully committed to You alone...a heart willing to follow You no matter the cost. You alone are worthy of all of my adoration. Help me to not give my affection or praise to another. Help me to not settle for anything less than all of me in exchange for all of You. Firmly root me and establish me in Your great love. May You alone be exalted in this life that You have given to me. Take me deeper still......