Just a little trip to south africa...

WELL..... I found out yesterday that at exactly this time one month from today I will be on a plane about to land in Germany to catch a connecting flight to South Africa. Can you say CRAZY!?! This journey with the Lord is both exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. My initial response to this news was pure excitement. And then... reality. Our plane ticket cost HOW much!? How are we going to pay for that? Will our kids be okay while we're gone? I'll have to miss the kids first few days back at school? Ouch, we won't be here for Hayes' birthday? What about our kids....what if something happened to both of us? What if God doesn't really want us to go and we've stepped outside His will? The 'what ifs' continued to bombard my mind....Fear...however grounded it might be, equals lack of trust. Lack of trust in the One who I know to be sovereign over all things and completely worthy of all my trust.

So, how will we pay for this? I do not know. God may chose to financially bless us in some supernatural way...or He may chose to finance it through the labor of our own hands...or He could do both. Who am I to question Him? Just being completely vulnerable and honest here, my first prayer was "Lord, show me for sure that this is what you want us to do by stirring someone's heart toward us and this trip." Several things wrong with that... I was looking for someone mortal to affirm me and say 'yeah that's a great idea' instead of relying fully on affirmation and wisdom from the Lord. I was questioning the One whom I have come to repeatedly with hands and heart open and said 'whatever You ask of me, I will do.' Well, look at that...He asked me to do something and then I say "Really? Are You really sure that's what You want me to do? Or You REALLY sovereign over all things and in control of everything?" I woke up thinking about the financial aspect of the trip again this morning, and this is the conclusion I have come to...a shift in perspective you might say :) Should this trip be any different from any other trip? If I wanted to take a trip to...Disney World, for instance... with the money instead. What would I do? I'd scrounge my nickels and dimes and make it work. Why should doing something I consider 'for the Lord' be any different? Why would I find joy and excitement in a vacation spent indulging myself and my family but look at a 'vacation' used to bring refreshment, love and encouragement to someone else as a sacrifice? It all comes back to my heart and my selfishness... The decision to give myself away or either hoard everything I can for myself. Father, I earnestly desire to find even more joy in living for You than I do in living for myself. I realize I am powerless to do this apart from Your Spirit at work within me. I am so prone to take my eyes off of You and when I do, I am overtaken by my flesh. I ask for Your help....I feel like I've rambled and don't know if that makes any sense at all...but it helped me :) and has given me renewed confidence that the God who asked me to do something will enable me to do it...however that may look.

What about my children... Something could just as easily happen to me or Jason sitting right here in my own living room. It feels safer here because I think I have some "perceived" form of control...but really I don't. God is the same wherever I go...He's the only One that knows when I'll breathe my last breath. He gives me the choice...live in fear or trust Him.

Live in fear of the unknown and have it cripple me in my walk with Him or fully surrender to whatever He has planned and follow Him...back at that same crossroad again. How thankful I am to serve a God that has never let me down or broken a promise...a God that has never led me to do something that wasn't ultimately for my good. Every step taken toward Him has always led to a place where I have experienced His freedom and love in a deeper way and I question why I ever doubted in the first place.

I'm stepping toward You Father...increase my faith.