Tension

Honestly, I’ve experienced a great deal of angst lately. Instead of allowing the things God has placed on my heart to draw me closer to Him, I have allowed it to manifest itself in anxiety and a lack of peace. I’ve questioned whether this passion is from God or something that I’ve just allowed to overtake my emotions.

However, I know that the God I serve is sovereign. Nothing happens by chance but everything is orchestrated by His hand. Even yesterday, as I was driving downtown to help a friend serve snacks at an inner-city vbs, a song came on the radio about all the children living without a mommy or daddy…all the hurting people that just need someone to reach out and extend a hand in love to them. I sat sobbing at the red light as I looked around me. In inner city Jackson, only miles from my own house…so much poverty, so many people walking around on the streets lost…lonely…eyes void of the hope that I have living inside of me. I wanted to jump out of my car and scream…Hope is alive! God loves you. You are precious to Him. He wants to give you hope and a future. I then came home to open an email from my precious friends in South Africa telling me of the 6113 children living in the town they are in…all orphans who have lost their parents to AIDS and all living under the care of an older brother or sister who is only a child them-self. I try to imagine what it would look like for my own oldest child, Henley…only 8 years old…to be placed in the same situation…left to care for her little brothers…living in poverty and forced to do whatever she must just to find food. My mind will not allow me. It screams out…this is wrong! Something must be done! That is where my tension comes. I become anxious and think ‘God I have to do something…and I mean right now…what can I do…Lord, You cannot break my heart over this and then not show me what to do. There is such urgency…children are being brutalized and people are dying’…and He continues to speak the same thing…Rest. Pray. Wait. Pray. Trust. Pray.

A friend told me once that she always thought I was strong because I never cried. Quite the opposite...I never cried because my heart was calloused, hardened, and numb. That’s how I know this must be God’s heart breaking inside of mine. Father, I ask that You enable me to rest and trust. Your Word promises that in quietness and trust is strength. Lord, be my strength and my vision. You love all those people more than my little finite mind can comprehend. You are working and moving on their behalf right now. So, Lord, until You show me what to do, I’m going to pray and pray and pray. I’m going to pray for all the people who are dying right now apart from your love and mercy, and for all the people who are dying right now and literally your love and mercy are all they have to cling to, all the children living without parents, all the children carrying the burden of being parents, all the children and women being brutalized and abused…all the poor and neglected and forgotten. I’m going to pray for myself. I pray that you continue to wreck my own heart. I pray that You would break the hearts of all of us who profess the name of Jesus. I pray You would break the hearts of the leaders in our churches. I pray that You would break our hearts to such an extent that we are motivated to do something. I pray for an outpouring of Your Spirit on your people. I pray that we would manifest Your love in such a way that the world stands back in wonder. Jesus, I pray that You alone be glorified as hearts are changed and hope is restored.

"The Lord is exalted over all the nations, His glory above the heavens. Who is like the Lord our God, the One who sits enthroned on high, who stoops down to look on the heavens and the earth? He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap."