at a crossroad...

I cannot sleep. Those that know me well know that this is a modern day miracle in and of itself. Sleeping is one of my favorite things. What happened? I prayed a prayer. God answered that prayer. My prayer......."God, break my heart for what breaks Yours." It was a sincere and heartfelt prayer. At the time I did not fully grasp the ramifications of it...which is silly I know...I know the heart of the One I pray to. I know He hears me and I know He is quick to answer, especially whenever I ask anything according to His will. So, really I don't know why I am surprised that He has done the very thing that I have asked of Him. It started for me months ago. It started as a gentle whisper. An awareness that God was stirring something deep inside of me. A restlessness that I cannot quite describe. I am familiar with it. I felt it before when my husband went into the ministry. So I know that whatever it means, it means change. I love that about God...how He doesn't usually just throw something on you...probably because He knows my stubbornness. He knows my selfishness. He knows it takes time for me to adjust. I have found with increasing intensity an inability to tolerate my life as it is. What am I doing? What are we doing? How can I live my life the way that I do? How could I have been so blind and so selfish...I know the answer...I have been too busy consumed with myself...consumed with my own wants, my own pain, and my own dreams and aspirations...so busy looking at myself that I couldn't see anyone else.

There are millions upon millions of orphans in the world today...a number so large that my mind cannot wrap around it. It is so overwhelming that my natural tendency is to try to block it out. I think "what can I do anyway?" However, God refuses to allow my mind to forget. Worse than that, He refuses to allow my heart to forget. I think about these children every time I look into my own child's face. I think about them when I go to sleep. I think about them when I wake up in the morning. I think about them as I toss and turn and try to sleep at night. I cannot forget them. I plead with God to show me how to help them. They are His children. How can they know how much He loves them if they have never even known love? How does a child realize what love is if someone has never shown it to them? Worse than that, how does a child even believe in love when all they have ever known is hate, neglect and abuse. All I really know is that I cannot continue to do nothing.

I am at a crossroad with a choice to make. Bluntly put...I can choose God or choose myself...choose His way for me or choose my way for me..."Today I set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life..."As scary as it is, I'm going to choose God's way...that is a way that both thrills me and terrifies me at the same time. I know God's way will take me to the cross. The cross is a painful place. It is not a comfortable place. It is a place that calls me to fully abandon myself. But it is the place where He says in abandoning self I will find Him. It is the place where His presence resides. It is the place where I know I will find true life. "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." Frankly, I have been where my own way has taken me and I never wish to go back there. I don't know what and I don't know how, but I do know somehow my life will never be the same.